I would like to change pace a bit here and talk about a very important subject that is forefront on every body's minds, religion. Now being of Protestant and Jewish descent this is very personal for me. In order to ease tensions and end the dick swinging, we must celebrate the similarities instead of dwelling on the differences. We must focus on the positives each other brings to the table. Stop spreading the belief that if someone worships any God other than your own they are going to be playing Twister with Hitler and Andre the Giant listening to the musical stylings of the Tragically Shit for eternity.
I think I have found a sure fire way to bring peace to the world, something that tree smoking/hugging hippies, half-witted celebrities and generations of brain dead beauty pageant contestants have been promising to eradicate since the Japs shit on Pearl Harbour. Allow me to elaborate..
Jews, yes you may have exiled your King, tortured and humiliated the only begotten son, crucified the lord and saviour.. But you own the whole world. Banks, run by Jews. Music industry, run by Jews. Movie industry, run by Jews. I mean you guys profited monetarily from the story of how you brutalized Jesus, pure fucking genius. Although getting Mel Gibson to direct that, in hindsight probably wasn't the greatest Gentile for the job. Seriously though, think of any one of your favourite actors, if you see a stein, green, gold, berg, or sandler anywhere in their name, odds are they're Jewish. And the next time you drop off a suit to be dry cleaned, take a look at that man you are entrusting with your precious linens, and if he's not Chinese, chances are he prefers Hanukkah.
Muslims, if you take a step back and really look at it, you and the Jews aren't so different. For example, you both share a dislike for pork and meats that aren't blessed. You call it Halal, they call it Kosher, same shit different pile. The only difference is I've never had a slice of Kosher pizza or a Halal pickle but I'm sure they would both be equally delicious. And you are a wise bunch, you learned from the Jews. You saw how loud and obnoxious their women were and you took steps to make sure yours didn't follow suit. The same goes with the Christians, if you look back in history, they also wore sandals all year round, what a popular fashion statement that became. All I'm saying is the last time me and my father fought over a strip, we cut it in half and shared it. That way we were both happy. You should try doing the same.
Next up is the Christians. What a sordid lot you are. But you may have made one of the most influential free agent signings in history. You were savvy enough to lock Jesus into a long-term deal after the Jews placed Him on waivers. You built your empire around this franchise player and to prove your dedication to Him, not only did you make Him captain but you named your team after Him. You also blessed us with numerous major holidays and long weekends such as Christmas and Easter. Though I'm still not sure what the rebirth of Christ has to do with faggoty looking eggs and bunnies.. Where did you come up with that shit? I mean everything about the holiday is just downright fucking weird. Rabbits hopping around with painted chicken eggs hiding them in peoples houses, what the fuck? See there's something else we can agree on Easter = Mindfuck.
This brings me to Catholics. Possibly the most turbulent of all the religions. You and the Christians are like the twin brothers back in grade school that just never got along. You sound alike and look the same, but one is always trying to out do the other. You both got the exact same lunches packed for you but it was never the same in your eyes. Though your beliefs and ideologies may vary slightly, you continue to fight tooth and nail for the title of supreme sibling. Truth is, daddy loves you both the same. One thing that can be said for Catholicism is the slutty Catholic school girls. Whores in short skirts who don't believe in using condoms.. Just thinking about it makes my cup runneth over. Give me a Catholic girl, I'll make sure she kneels before me and prays. That is what tolerance is all about. Even though my grandmother was a devout Irish protestant I would be willing to make a Catholic girl scream out for God. Another good trait Catholics possess is their dedication to spreading their gospel and helping younger members of the religion find their way. All the extra time and effort the priests devote to the alter boys. Keeping them late after Sunday school to answer any questions they might have, taking them on educational trips, letting them sleepover at their houses and even teaching them the sins of carnal desires, premarital sex and even homoerotic fantasies. Come to think of it Michael Jackson was a good Catholic too wasn't he? And you guys have a Pope. And he rides around in the Popemobile. How fucking cool is that?
I hope this was able to bring our people together. Remember, we are all one world under God and no matter your religion there is an afterlife that awaits us all. Be it virgins in heaven or reincarnation on Earth we have something to look forward to. Unless you're Atheist, then your coming back as Starr Jones thong.
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