I Wish I Thought Of That

There are many reasons to be jealous in this world. People with wealth, power, nice shit, Oprah, and watching your girlfriend makeout with another dude on your aniversary. Let me give you a couple more reasons to be envious.

LOL FB Moments

FAIL Blog

For the past few weeks these two websites dedicated to pointing out the failures and misfortunes in other peoples lives have been bringing great joy into mine. Hours and hours of fun for the whole family. A few honourable mentions go to:

FML

My Drunk Texts

Texts Last Night

People Of Wal-Mart

So basically that is my list of shit I wish I thought of, instead of this load of deer cum, posting other sites that are really cool that I wish I thought of. Fuck my life..

Joy O' Joy

Deck the halls with bows of holy blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.. Everyone knows it's Christmas. What you may not know, is that Christmas sucks. This holiday has mutated into a fucking four headed, fire breathing, gigantic sonuvabitch beast. What was originally something that was meant to bring joy to the world, spread cheer and good tidings has become a time of stress, maxing out credit cards and depression. People rushing to spend money they don't have on gifts for little Billy, Aunt Peggy and that piece of shit Uncle nobody likes, but it's Christmas and you don't want to look like a jackass. Think about it, what's really joyous about Christmas? It's in the dead of winter, it's dark 23 and a half hours a day and that little bit of day light you might get is ruined by the glare of the 83 fucking strings of brand new LED lights your parents decided to string up on the tree and made sure every piece of green was covered by beams of lasers that burn light spots into your retinas so everywhere you look all you see is millions of colourful dots, *deep breath* and everything is fucking wet and you step outside for a minute and you get hypothermia and die and you spend the next 9 months finding tinsel and those tiny little fucking pine needles strewn - almost strategically placed by some type of stupid asshole - all around your house. Now tell me, does that sound like fun?

The main character in this tragedy is Santa Clause aka Kris Kringle aka Saint Nick. Seriously dude, pick a fucking name and stick with it. FYI, I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but he's not even real. He was an invention of a brilliant campaign created by Coca-Cola. Don't believe me? Look it up. Is it a coincidence that his suit is the same colour as a can of Coke? I think not! So my question to you is, how did a day spawned by the birth of Jesus, suddenly start becoming about a fat dude who doesn't abide by the laws of privacy. Surely if I were to slide down some one's chimney dressed in a ridiculous costume, I would be detained.

It just upsets me how Christmas has become about breaking the bank trying to satisfy someone with gifts, like we are trying to buy their affection. There is no worse feeling than freaking out because you don't know what to get someone, or if they'll like it and watching them open it and you can tell by the look on their stupid that they don't like it, but they say that they do, but you know.. Oh you know. Hey I'm guilty of it too. Getting a gift that is completely and utterly fucking stupid, so stupid in fact you feel that your intelligence has been insulted by the giver, I've been there. Then there's the whole, 'measuring the gifts' thing. Someones always going to be pissed off that yours didn't measure up to theirs, or they're livid that you went and outdid them, therefore making their penis shrivel up/ vagina gape open wide in some fucked up ego bruising.

To me the best parts about Christmas actually have nothing to do with Christmas at all. I love Boxing Day, cause I'm a selfish fucking prick and it's all about me. I can save a shitload of money on shit for me. It's a win-win! And I also love the fact that it is acceptable to be drunk at 9:36 am on a Tuesday and make a total dick out of yourself in front of your family. It's cool, don't worry about it, it's allowed. You can do that kind of shit and get away with it. Christmas is even better if your family is a bunch of raging alcoholics, then you can all be assholes together, as a family. If you're an orphan, then it sucks.

Point is, I didn't always view it this way. When I was a child I used to count down the days till Christmas. I used to shit in my bed on Christmas Eve, I was so fucking ecstatic. I'd be up 4 in the morning drop kicking my parents door open and karate chopping my dad in the nuts to wake him up. No word of a lie, I used to pop blood vessels in my eye balls I was so excited when I opened a present. But that shit only flies when you're young. If you're 20, still making lists for Santa or leaving him cookies or crying when you don't get what you want or actually making a conscious effort to be good throughout the year, you should be banished to a far away land that is inhabited by angry little midgets and wild reindeer. Preferably a land that is covered by snow year round and is located at the Northern-most point of the world. The only way I could ever be excited again about Christmas is if my parents hooked me up with a threesome with those Olsen twin whores.

Anyways Merry fucking Christmas to all and too all a fucking good night!

Barton Police

Well the "Season to be Jolly" is almost upon us. I live by the mantra, it's better to give than to recieve and I feel in a very giving mood. Consider this an early gift from yours truly that will certainly lighten up your holidays. No, it's not egg nog with a splash of rum, it's something way cooler than that.. I'm talking about 'Barton Police', this really awesome show on the web.

Right now it is a four episode show (I believe a fifth episode is looming) about a dysfunctional police station in Barton County, Texas. This show is essentially the brainchild of Scott Lee (who does the music, editing, produces and stars in) and Stephen Wolfe (who writes, directs and also shares the editing duties on 'Barton Police'). I had a chance to briefly correspond with Mr. Wolfe and he was a very nice fellow. These two are also co-founders of 'Barton Ct. Productions Inc.'. For more information on their company and updates on the happenings around Barton, check out their website HERE!

The cast of the show seems to me to be more like a family than anything, despite the on-screen name calling and seemingly endless bickering. The chemistry between the actors is great, which makes it that much easier watching them interact.

The protagonist of 'Barton Police' is AJ Jenkins, played by Justin Herman. He is a hot shot young officer and self-appointed badass. His sexuality also comes into question fairly often. Commissioner Preston Leebo is played by the aforementioned Scott Lee. Leebo is a bumbling, typical nerd with a nervous tick. The rest of the station questions his leadership and doesn't seem to take him very seriously. The rest of the cast stars Xavier Flores as resident funny man Detective Alex Ramirez, John Pandolph as the womanizing Irishman Detective David McAlister, Mitchell Ganey as the uber intense Officer Bill O'Hara, Matthew Cisneros as Dispatcher Jose D. Garcia and Michael Gutierrez as the oft intoxicated Officer Marshall Price. Near the end of Episode 1 we are introduced to the dreamy eyed, optimist rookie Officer Bob Riley, played by Chester Smith.

Episode 1 pretty much got me hooked on this show. There were more "fucks", "shits" and "punching in the throat" then I could count, which is essential to making a good production. Now I'm not sure what the budget was like for the show, but I don't think it was very high. None-the-less, I was very impressed with the police uniforms and the realisticness of the department. It looks like a lot of effort went into the little details and it didn't go unnoticed.

There are too many videos to individually post every one, but you can find all the episodes and whatnot on their YouTube page HERE! Please make sure you check these guys out and support what they are doing. Long live Independent!

This here is just a quick video to show you how kind and caring these guys are off screen. It really touches your heart to see such friendship. Beautiful!

Flamboyant Mash-Up

This is actually a very well done mash-up I found on YouTube. Back in the day Big L was one of my favourite artists, when Hip-Hop was still relevant. Ratatat is one of the best production duos out now. These two were made for eachother.

MGMT Covers

I'm on the fence regarding the topic of covers. You could make the argument that the covering artist lacks creativity and is using the success of the original song to garner popularity/ hitch a ride on the gravy train blah blah blah.. There is also the point that some covers just buttfuck the shit out of the original. While I do believe it takes talent to interpret a song and put a spin on it to make it your own, it definately is easier to sing someone else's rather than start from scratch. The fact of the matter is covers have been around since the dawn of man and probably will be around until the end of man. In this day and age there is no such thing as a new concept, every thought has already been thought. With the internet and today's advanced technology, every asshole has an opinion, lord know's I'm no different then the next chud with a blog. Ideas are like whores, someone's had it before..

Don't worry there was a method to this madness. I like MGMT. Apparently so does everyone else, because there is a shitload of MGMT covers. Most of them are not good. These two get the distinction of being posted right here. Know I know what you're thinking, "Katy Perry? Seriously?". I know because I was thinking the same thing. I almost didn't bother even listening to it. Trust me it's worth a listen kids.

Download: The Kooks - Kids (MGMT Cover)

Download: Katy Perry - Time To Pretend (MGMT Cover)

Rihanna

We've all seen the pictures of her goodies, but these are delicious and a lot more tasteful then the selfshots in her bathroom. At first I thought she was stupid, ugly and had a big forehead. I take it all back Rihanna, please have my babies!

Susan Boyle

Have you ever bent down to pick something up that looks really, really heavy and you brace yourself for the worst, but it turns out to be extremely light? That is the best euphemism I could come up with for hearing Susan Boyle sing. Music isn't about looks or personnas, but when you look like an Oompa Loompa, you better have one hell of a set of pipes on you. The first time I seen her walk on stage to audition for Britain's Got Talent, I scoffed,

"There's no way a 47 year old woman in a moo moo with that god-awful accent can sing."

That's what I was thinking in my brain. But like every single person in the audience and watching at home, I was fucking blown away by her voice. It was like God himself had sent an Angel down from Heaven to bring joy to the world through song. I still to this day cannot believe that something that breath-taking could come from her lips.

Susan Boyle looking like an Oompa



Download: Susan Boyle - Wild Horses

Thought Of The Day

As I am sure most of you are aware, Brittany Murphy passed away today at the age of 32. This brings up a question that I have pondered over the years. Is there something ethically wrong with tugging it to pictures of a dead celebrity? Just to clarify, I'm talking about picture of them still very much alive, not after they have died, because that would be sick. I'm sure there are men, young and old alike, who still play a heated game of pocket pool to Marilyn Monroe's infamous Playboy spread. Should one feel some sence of guilt or disgust with themselves for defiling the memory of someone who has passed on? I mean if you're masturbating in the first place you're a sinner already and therefore going to hell, so what harm is one more questionable act really going to do? Food for thought..

You Go Girl!

It's common knowledge that most women cannot operate a motor vehicle, urinate in public after a heavy night of drinking or make good corporate leaders. I'm not saying that women are inferior to men, quite the contrary actually, they are just too emotional. Women tend to think more so with their hearts. Which is why they make some of the most moving and soulful artists. Let's take Duffy for example. Now I do not find her overly attractive, she's actually kind of beat. She looks like this whore I used to go to high school with. Gross. But her voice, my god. She could sing about herpes and make it sound passionate. For fear of sounding fucked up, I find something about a woman crying attractive. Not like rolling around on the floor, hyperventilating, snot dripping out of her nose, balling her eyes out, just sort of the tears trickling down the cheeks kind of crying. Thus, her video for "Warwick Avenue" = bombastic.

I will admit that I have heard of Norah Jones before, but never listened to any of her songs and I only knew Lily Allen from her seemingly endless supply of tit slip pictures floating around. But when I did get around to finally hearing them sing, I was presently surprised. I wouldn't throw Lily Allen in the same category as a Duffy or a Norah Jones, but I'm a sucker for slutty British accents, what can I say? Curious about Ms. Jones, I googled her and found out some interesting shit. Her name is actually Geethali Norah Jones Shankar and is the daughter of Ravi Shankar, a famous Indian Sitar-playing musician. He must not be that famous because I've never heard of him, nor do I know what the fuck a Sitar is. Now I shall leave you with what you came for.. Unless you enjoy reading this drivel, in that case you are a sick, sick human being.


Download: Duffy - Warwick Avenue

Download: Lily Allen - Alfie

Download: Norah Jones - Chasing Pirates

2012

Okay, so this isn't so much of a review as it is an observatory musing. I was awed by the special effects. I mean some of the scenes were just incredible, especially the sinking of California. Do yourselves all a favour, the sooner you get past the hokiness of John Cusack out-driving a volcano, out-running several earthquakes and realize it's a movie, the sooner you will be able to enjoy watching shit blow up. The graphics are clearly first-rate, but as we all know that alone is not enough to save a movie *ahem* Transformers 2 *ahem*. 2 problems I had with this flick were; 1) It all moved so quick. It seemed like a shame to rush something as significant as 90% of the world's population being wiped out. Titanic was like 14 hours of Leo DiCaprio trying to get his dick wet (no pun intended) and this movie was roughly an hour and a half. I personally would've liked to have seen a bit more substance, like a foreplay before the climax. And 2) The ending was weak, we didn't even get to see the new civilization or Amy Smart's tits. Boo!

I really liked the humanity depicted in the movie. When Cusack risked his life to save the lives of all the others on board and they all lived but we weren't sure if he lived, but he did live, it tugged at my heartstrings.. And apparently my tear strings as well. To see everyone cheer and hug, it really was a touching sentiment. I couldn't help but feel compelled to believe that there still is some civility left in the human race. Despite all the war, disease, famine and crime that happens, in the end we are all united as one, to serve some higher purpose. At that moment my faith was restored.. And then my father told me to "Fuck off and stop being such a pussy. And get a fucking haircut too, you look like a piece of shit." Thanks dad, I love you too.




*Spoiler Alert* Oh wait, that's supposed to go at the beginning before I tell you what's going to happen isn't it?

Hello Newman!

For those of you that don't get the reference in the title, go watch some fucking TV. To all one of my fans who actually read this second-rate heap of shit, I apologize for my prolonged hiatus. During my month sabatical I compiled a great number of tales to share with you. Unfortunately I forgot all of them. But it's not like you care, you didn't even call to see how I was doing. I could've died and you wouldn't have even noticed. So I bid you adieu with a big fuck you.