Deck the halls with bows of holy blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.. Everyone knows it's Christmas. What you may not know, is that Christmas sucks. This holiday has mutated into a fucking four headed, fire breathing, gigantic sonuvabitch beast. What was originally something that was meant to bring joy to the world, spread cheer and good tidings has become a time of stress, maxing out credit cards and depression. People rushing to spend money they don't have on gifts for little Billy, Aunt Peggy and that piece of shit Uncle nobody likes, but it's Christmas and you don't want to look like a jackass. Think about it, what's really joyous about Christmas? It's in the dead of winter, it's dark 23 and a half hours a day and that little bit of day light you might get is ruined by the glare of the 83 fucking strings of brand new LED lights your parents decided to string up on the tree and made sure every piece of green was covered by beams of lasers that burn light spots into your retinas so everywhere you look all you see is millions of colourful dots, *deep breath* and everything is fucking wet and you step outside for a minute and you get hypothermia and die and you spend the next 9 months finding tinsel and those tiny little fucking pine needles strewn - almost strategically placed by some type of stupid asshole - all around your house. Now tell me, does that sound like fun?
The main character in this tragedy is Santa Clause aka Kris Kringle aka Saint Nick. Seriously dude, pick a fucking name and stick with it. FYI, I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but he's not even real. He was an invention of a brilliant campaign created by Coca-Cola. Don't believe me? Look it up. Is it a coincidence that his suit is the same colour as a can of Coke? I think not! So my question to you is, how did a day spawned by the birth of Jesus, suddenly start becoming about a fat dude who doesn't abide by the laws of privacy. Surely if I were to slide down some one's chimney dressed in a ridiculous costume, I would be detained.
It just upsets me how Christmas has become about breaking the bank trying to satisfy someone with gifts, like we are trying to buy their affection. There is no worse feeling than freaking out because you don't know what to get someone, or if they'll like it and watching them open it and you can tell by the look on their stupid that they don't like it, but they say that they do, but you know.. Oh you know. Hey I'm guilty of it too. Getting a gift that is completely and utterly fucking stupid, so stupid in fact you feel that your intelligence has been insulted by the giver, I've been there. Then there's the whole, 'measuring the gifts' thing. Someones always going to be pissed off that yours didn't measure up to theirs, or they're livid that you went and outdid them, therefore making their penis shrivel up/ vagina gape open wide in some fucked up ego bruising.
To me the best parts about Christmas actually have nothing to do with Christmas at all. I love Boxing Day, cause I'm a selfish fucking prick and it's all about me. I can save a shitload of money on shit for me. It's a win-win! And I also love the fact that it is acceptable to be drunk at 9:36 am on a Tuesday and make a total dick out of yourself in front of your family. It's cool, don't worry about it, it's allowed. You can do that kind of shit and get away with it. Christmas is even better if your family is a bunch of raging alcoholics, then you can all be assholes together, as a family. If you're an orphan, then it sucks.
Point is, I didn't always view it this way. When I was a child I used to count down the days till Christmas. I used to shit in my bed on Christmas Eve, I was so fucking ecstatic. I'd be up 4 in the morning drop kicking my parents door open and karate chopping my dad in the nuts to wake him up. No word of a lie, I used to pop blood vessels in my eye balls I was so excited when I opened a present. But that shit only flies when you're young. If you're 20, still making lists for Santa or leaving him cookies or crying when you don't get what you want or actually making a conscious effort to be good throughout the year, you should be banished to a far away land that is inhabited by angry little midgets and wild reindeer. Preferably a land that is covered by snow year round and is located at the Northern-most point of the world. The only way I could ever be excited again about Christmas is if my parents hooked me up with a threesome with those Olsen twin whores.
Anyways Merry fucking Christmas to all and too all a fucking good night!
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